I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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