There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
