dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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