so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
