dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
