dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
