i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
