I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
