Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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