there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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