Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
