Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize