It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
