Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
