remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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