They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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