so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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