We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
