good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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