i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
