Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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