Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
