i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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