i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
