I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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