i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
