i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
