i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
do herpes really smell.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
