Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize