oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
