When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I see more hoeing in ur future
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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