if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
