i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
