sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
there is glitter all over my balls
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize