That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
