I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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