Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
