Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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