my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
