I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
