I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
