My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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