Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
