I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Randomize
