Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
