just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
