DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize