oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
