hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
