Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
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