it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize