Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize