Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The power of my boobs compel you
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
