we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize