btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize