You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
