THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
