He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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